"The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but living as if he doesn’t exist."
I am going to church and bible study but I’m told, by a friend, I don’t know what I believe. This was true. Was. I’m not “empty” anymore. That’s how I felt two years ago. I felt lost, so I went to bible study to see if that would change anything - it didn’t. I can’t really blame the church though. It was my own fault. I tried “Accepting” Christ while living a life that shunned him. I did what I wanted to do and what I wanted to do was live in the moment. This happens to be because of a fear of mine. It’s not dying. It’s dying before I’ve truly “lived”. I was afraid that if I devoted myself to the Christian lifestyle, my life would be boring, that I wouldn’t have a life where I can look back on my deathbed and say I was truly happy. So I pushed Christ away. I denied him as well as my “brothers and sisters in Christ”.
I wasn’t even sure what it meant to live. It wasn’t until after I found my answer for “what it means to live” that I decided to go back to bible study. I’m sure many people have their own answers. I went through many possible answers until one stuck. To experience many things, mentally and physically. To learn from my failures and success, to never stop growing. To never stop challenging and pushing myself forward.
This is what it means for me to live. To love and fear and hurt and cry and be loved. To do all the things my fear of failure stopped me from doing. To try. To fail. To get back up and keep fighting. This is what makes me feel alive. The love of the rise and the lust of the fall.